Mindfulness

[Voronwë the Faithful]

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[RoseMorninStar]

[Frelga]

That's funny.

[elengil]

With lots else going on, I've had a very hard time trying to meditate and just be still, my mind is just all over the place and won't settle down or stop obsessing. But last night I had a really nice little moment where the rain was audible on the roof (we have a metal roof and the upper floor is tucked into it so it's very easy to hear when the rain is going) and just this lovely little moment of quiet and rain.

I've always loved the rain.

[RoseMorninStar]

I've always loved the rain.

You may enjoy this: A Soft Murmur They even have rain on a tin roof if you click on 'more sounds'.

[elengil]

I've always loved the rain.

You may enjoy this: A Soft Murmur

Oh that's a nice one. I'll sometimes put on those 10 hour rain fall youtube videos, especially as background at work. I had one that was forest sounds but my coworker was wigging out at the bird song and thought there was a bird in the building somewhere, but even after he knew it was the recording it just kept bugging him. So I found one without birds.

[RoseMorninStar]

I love listening to some ASMR or soft rain YouTube videos, etc.. I don't mind some birdsong, but preferably in the morning/daytime, not at bedtime. I can't handle the sound of mosquitoes or bugs though.

[elengil]

LOL oh goodness no! No mosquitoes!

I really like that this site lets you choose your combination of ambiances. When my kindle still worked I used to put on some similar white noise things but once that died I lost it. Ah well.

[Frelga]

Nathan Pyle, the author of the Strange Planet comic, put out a Twitter thread of animations for guided deep breathing.

https://twitter.com/nathanwpyle/status/ ... 59872?s=20

[RoseMorninStar]

My daughter used to attend hackathons and at one event she was part of the team who created the winning app and it was something similar to that. It was for people with anxiety and it was also a visual breathing type exercise.

[elengil]

So, best tips for when you feel overwhelmed with stress and can't stop reliving a moment in your mind?

Walks in nature help until they're over, meditation is hard because I keep falling into that circular thought-trap, everything else is just a distraction but not really a solution...

[Voronwë the Faithful]

If you can't stop reliving the moment, don't try to. All that achieves is adding additional stress because you are upset with yourself for not being able to stop. Embrace the moment as an opportunity for growth, and embrace the person that caused the stress for being a wonderful teacher by providing you with that opportunity.

To put it another way, denying that suffering exists doesn't make the suffering go away; it just causes more suffering.

[elengil]

I don't disagree with any of that - very insightful actually. But surely there is a point where being stuck in that cycle becomes the destructive force, no? Or are you saying that just seeing it as a negative perpetuates the negativity of it?

[Voronwë the Faithful]

On one level, that's exactly what I am saying. On another level, I'm saying embrace the suffering because without suffering, there is no joy (though conversely, without joy there is no suffering). But on another level altogether, all of the dualities of joy/suffering, endurance/impermanence, even being/non-being, are constructs of our mind in order to process our existence. They are, as the Buddha said, relative truths. In absolute truth, there is no difference between joy and suffering, between endurance and impermanence, between being and non-being. But that is a level of enlightenment that I don't have any expectation of reaching, at least in this go-around.

[elengil]

That actually reminds me of this ... not a story, not sure what to call it. It was talking about people who hear voices. Here in the US we associate this with voices telling you to do awful things to yourself or others and this madness that comes with it because even when you know it isn't real it's just so real to experience. And people are afraid of it and all that...

Anyway, apparently in places like India they have an entirely different approach - people talk to their voices, befriend them, they become this sort of other always present partner you can talk to. They have much lower rates of negative outcomes from having schizophrenia-induced audio hallucinations there because they aren't seen as negative and scary in the first place.

Truly, our reactions to something can often cause it to be exactly what we thought it was. If you think it's negative it can become negative, if you think it's positive, it can become positive.

...
I'm going to have to meditate on this one for a while!

[Frelga]

Well, I'd ask if you are focusing on what you did or on what the other person did. As a first step, it helps me to focus on the former and accept that the other person is just that much of a jerk and nothing you can do will change that.

I have, in the past, tried to explain away the behavior of the other person in more positive terms. Without exception, subsequent events proved that nope, I was right about them the first time. (There's a situation at work right now that really bore the point home.)

Luckily for me, and probably the world, I don't have the attention span or the energy to focus on bad interactions for too long.

[elengil]

Unfortunately I dwell on it. Heck, I woke up early this morning and spent an hour in bed going over what I should have said. Mostly I try to think of "Well if I could just say X they'd finally understand what I meant" and I have to remind myself if they didn't (or chose not to) understand anything I'd said up to that point, more of me speaking was unlikely to have a different outcome.

But the 'what I should have said' cycle just runs round and round and round. Sometimes more reflective in that "I suppose I *could* have used a slightly different word here" but I doubt it would have ultimately changed the outcome to any real degree, and sometimes just an angry mental rant of what I imagine saying but don't because being angry and nasty in return isn't productive and I'd just get banned or something.

That I was able to give up the actual attempt to keep engaging in the discussion was definitely a big step forward for me. Trying to disengage from the mental discussion is proving to be far more difficult.

[RoseMorninStar]

If you can't stop reliving the moment, don't try to. All that achieves is adding additional stress because you are upset with yourself for not being able to stop. *Embrace the moment as an opportunity for growth, and embrace the person that caused the stress for being a wonderful teacher by providing you with that opportunity.

To put it another way, *denying that suffering exists doesn't make the suffering go away; it just causes more suffering.

This is interesting, I can see great value in it. I especially like the bits I bolded*.

Well, I'd ask if you are focusing on what you did or on what the other person did. As a first step, it helps me to focus on the former and accept that the other person is just that much of a jerk and nothing you can do will change that.

I agree with this as well.


Mentally working through difficult situations and wondering what of value may be taken from them can take time. I would add that if it whatever is occupying one's thoughts is interfering with one's ability to function or take care of what must be taken care of (children, job) it may be helpful to set aside a period of time to allow those thoughts free reign, perhaps even writing thoughts that come to mind down. In other words, don't ignore or deny the thoughts or actively suppress them. Acknowledge the validity of your concerns and allow yourself time to work through it. Knowing that you are setting aside time for self-care to cope may help free some of the feelings of being overwhelmed.

elengil, the conversation you've described (what little I know of it) sounds as one would describe as having to 'walk on eggshells'. Don't fall into the trap of someone making you feel as if only you had said something in a different way.. or only if you had done something slightly different... Your point of view is valid and if they are not willing to listen to clear up a misunderstanding/miscommunication.. then that is on them.. not on you. It could be an abusive tactic, don't fall for it.

[elengil]

Don't fall into the trap of someone making you feel as if only you had said something in a different way.

Well, y'know a lifetime of imposed guilt is hard to shake

I'm working on it, though. I'll try Voronwë's suggestion of embracing and accepting and see if that helps ease the obsessiveness of it.

[RoseMorninStar]

Don't fall into the trap of someone making you feel as if only you had said something in a different way.

Well, y'know a lifetime of imposed guilt is hard to shake

I'm working on it, though.

Yeah, I get that.

I'll try Voronwë's suggestion of embracing and accepting and see if that helps ease the obsessiveness of it.

Embracing & accepting is most certainly helpful. There are things we cannot change, only learn from.

It helps me to remind myself that people (intentionally, unintentionally, or out of habit) act in ways that manipulate others. Perhaps the topic is one that triggers them. You do not have control over that. They aren't thinking of you or your point of view, otherwise they would be open to listening to your explanation/rebuttal/response and trying to understand your intention. It seems obvious that you have tried, and they are not willing to do so. That should give you pause.